What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 00:41
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What's a memory from your childhood that shaped who you are today?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
What transforms the philosophical intellect?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It was going to be , some day.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Who then, do I blame.?
Why after 50 years of being straight do I constantly desire to suck cock?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
What are the pros and cons of a prospective bride/groom not having any siblings?
Would this be the day?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Does centrifugal force teach us about gravity?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot live in the past .
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She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Can people who have never met you tell if you are a covert narcissist?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
This is soul school!.
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All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What is the happy reality of our generation?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were not on the streets..
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was scared of men, in general
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.